Go Beyond

I have this repeating problem in my life. I meet someone nice, talk for a while,
then maybe go out a few times. She seems interested in talking to me, whether as
friends or as more. I enjoy the same, and don't put on any sort of pressure and
simply keep talking and hanging out.

Then.. she stops talking to me. Doesn't reply, doesn't respond. Doesn't give a
hint that I exist as a fragment in a memory in her life. At no obvious place,
too. I try and search my mind for why, and come up empty. Did I say something
wrong? Did I hurt her feelings? Does she feel pressured in a way she doesn't
want to be?

I can't figure out, why. Sometimes, even after 5 dates, she stops talking
altogether. I read people pretty well but never have any hint of why beforehand.

I know some people get busy or I get boring. Not the nicest thing, but that I
can understand. I just don't see why I'm not worth a quick message to say that.
It's completely disrespectful and insulting to leave someone hanging. Especially
after seeing them a few times when you have an established friendship.

Today, I'm accepting that this someone is simply not interested in talking to
me. I don't know why, but it reaffirms the many past cases of being ignored. I
have to fight my feelings that I'm simply not even worth the time to say I'm not
worth her time. The feelings that tell me I'm a good machine, extremely
competent with computers, but not worth being close to. Feelings that say I'm
too weird, not normal enough, not clever enough when talking. And the continual
reminder seeing complete dicks with nice girls, whom they don't care about and
treat as objects.

I really am a nice guy who actually cares. I wish someone else could see the
same in me.