Go Beyond

More or less, since I moved to San Antonio I've been going to a college group at a local church. It's really been just to meet people, especially as I'm no longer a Christian. I'm not sure if I've gone into any detail on that here on my blog, but after many things happened the closest thing I can correlate myself with on the topic of religous and philopshical stances would be agnostic. I'm writing this blog post not as a solely a review, but as a mixture of how my life has been influenced and affected lately, mostly from Josh Riebock and his book, My Generation.

At this college group Josh came to speak twice in a row. He gave the most honest, genuine, and relevant message I've ever heard. He was vulnerable and even cried at a point or two, which really says how genuine he's willing to be. At that time I was mostly Christian and ironically, he helped brew some thoughts and realizations that have directed me slightly towards agnosticism. Not because he made Christianity and God seem less appealing than they had before, as in fact, he gives the most compelling and legitimate "version" (more or less) of them than I've ever heard. But because he showed what life was really about, what love was, and what really matters.

From his speaking, the biggest message I recieved was that to him, he didn't care so much if after years of being a true friend to someone and truly loving them, they became a Bible-touting Christian or not. What mattered to him was healing, love, relationships, and rather than half heartedly serving people with a huge arrow towards God, he lived from his very own heart for them. As a Christian I would reserve true love for a select few, and Christianization for the rest. I cared only about being a good example to more likely show others "God's love", when I never truly gave to others. I believed hope and healing were reserved for God to directly do alone. It wasn't my responsibility or place, as I narrowed life into a bottle that only God was supposed to directly touch.

Josh's message was radically different. He proposed living from the heart and caring for others no matter what, rather than Christianization, smiting the "sinners", or even some post-modern take on Christianity that's really just more of the same with a little more tolerance and distorted guitars thrown in. Josh is still a Christian or something of the sort and believes that true love is ultimately from God, but he appears to hold nothing back in living a vulnerable life of love towards others.

I don't think that Christianity has to be as narrow as I lived it, but most of the time people live it that way. I realized that almost every Christian I've ever known cared a lot more about the endless debatable things in the Bible and prayer than actually doing something from the heart. It takes a lot more effort to do something and truly love someone than sit back and pray, occasionally exposing your heart if the moment feels right. I'm even saying this being at the fore-front of modern, non-denominational Christianity, which is about the least traditional and most "real" of the bunch in my mind.

Right now, I don't believe that love is found in God, but in your own heart and the hearts of others. But anyways, onto the book.

My Generation is much like Josh's speaking, truly genuine and vulnerable. I guess it's a summation of Josh's life, beliefs, realizations, and down right honesty. I've never seened someone so transparent in a book before. He admits to faults publicly that some people don't tell their best friends. He talks about how overrated it is to live your life as a "champion", someone faultless and inerrant on the outside. He says about how we shouldn't hold grudges or live as objects rather than humans. It really stood out to me how he talked about how being relevant to a crowd really just requires humility at the heart of it. Though knowing modern internet memes, wearing stylish clothes, and having an iPhone help, they do nothing compared to genuinuely wanting to hear someone else more than you want to share what you have to say with others, and just being humble in general. This sounds a bit lame here, but he has stories that amaze and surprise even me. Everything is extremely well written and he takes time to write out of character sometimes in rather interesting ways. What really amazes me though, is how much wisdom he has. It's a very hard read in the sense that at some point or another (if you're true to yourself) you'll stop and notice something that you're really doing wrong. I was emotionally gripped at a few points as his honest stories (about himself and often others) correlated with mine in deep ways that I had barely even considered before.

He really painted a picture of what true love is in a way far better than I ever could. He indirectly gives plenty of reasons of why we should live out of that love and what it really is. I don't think I've learned and grown as much just from reading a single, fairly short book before. My Generation does seem a bit puzzling with exactly what it's for as you read it. I guess it seems obvious to me, but it felt slightly... not thrown together, but like it had no signficant back bone. Even so, it's not something to mind at all, just accept it as stories on everything with a common thread of love. The chapters each on their own hold their ground well, but compliment eachother strongly. The last few chapters were a bit sporatic, like they were multiple stories put into one, perhaps each too small for their own chapters. The last bit does seem rushed in a way, but really, I don't know of many other ways that he could have written what he had and given it perfect structure. The last chapters were still equally as gripping and engaging, however, at least for me.

Even though I don't care about "God" anymore and I'm not a Christian, this Christian book was really something for me. It's helped show me so many ways that I've been wrong, things that I rarely ever contemplate. Not to say that it's just a "You're doing it wrong (TM)"-esque book, it's actually quite the opposite. It's more like when a friend is really close to you and grows to be a good influence on you, that sort of critque that you end up giving yourself. And no, it's not a self help book, but if someone was looking for one I would point them to it.

My Generation is a compliation of thoughts, written amazingly well, in a relevant way about most aspects of life. For me, I was enticed, bothered at myself, encouraged,  made curious, inspired, and enlightended into things I've never thought about before. It's a fun read but I've enjoyed reading it slowly, really giving thought and time for what was said to sink in. I've enjoyed contemplating things and debating with myself over them. It's currently my favorite book, although that isn't very impressive as I don't read much. I'm sure it will stay that way for some time, though.

You really ought to give it a read if you are agnostic, Christian, atheist, or just anyone. I believe it has some more relevancy to Christians than the rest of us, but at the same time that aspect is eye-opening, if nothing else.

Thank you, Josh, for really changing my life.

--Teran

At the moment, I'm not quite sure of what I should do with my life. I'm not sure what my inspiration is, even though I know what my interests are. I realize how futile my existance is when something as subtle as my car sounding horrible (my own stupidity induced muffler and exhaust killing) completely throws off my mood. It's just a car, though at the same time, "just" is rather lacking. It's my means of transporation, one of my greatest sources of entertainment, it's simply special to me, and it's my greatest asset. I do not trust hardly any car mechanic shops. They seem to have "scam" written all over them. How much of America's economy is based on simple scams, lies, and wasted time? 30%? Of course, if that was taken away we'd have a whole other issue, but still. It's a lot less honest and useful than it could be.

Is life what I should fix? Why do I feel so lacking in life? Maybe I just need to reflect on what I do have. I have a really, really good friend, and a noisy car that I can whip around corners and grin as it oversteers and I try to fight it back into a straight line so I don't kill myself with it. At the same time, I sound like a ricer in a rather slow car, looking like an idiot skidding around the place. Also, my really, really good friend is the only person I really want to date. Will I ever get the chance? Probably not. But.. a really, really good friend is a lot more than most people have. Somehow I find the ability to never be satisified. Not out of greed, but it's like nothing is ever satisfactory for me.

Maybe I should let my insatisfaction drive me into fixing things. The world is honestly stupid. It's unfair (though too justice oriented), insecure, dishonest, and has very little of anything that feels real in it. The cars are no longer real, most people are idiots (and by publicly saying this on a blog, it's possible that I'm referring to you. For that, I am sorry), we're being poisoned by millions of needless, non-economically beneficial means, and it's even a pain trying to get my hands on raw milk (well, not so bad here in Texas, but still, in general in the US it's a pain).

The "fix" this world needs (and is quite debatable as whether a "fix" is needed) is not technical, though. I could probably improve global efficency exponentially given the chance, but that won't make people happy. Frustrations of mere technicalities are just frustrations. We'll have them anyways, although honestly it can seem pretty disheartening when every single thing seems to give the people I know trouble. From cars, to computers, to auto mechanics, to job hunting. But... as corny, illogical, and mindless as it seems, I think what people really need is love in all forms. We don't need "Christians" who will help others really just because they are hoping for a conversion, until they find out that they are pro-choice. Then they leave disgusted, feeling they are the scum of the earth in their hearts. And others, once you wrong once they will never respect you again. People (including myself) are too obsessed with being "fair" about everything. Once someone has been unfair to them to a certain extent, they just lose it with them. Now, there is a point when you simply have to distance yourself from someone, but withholding some form of love and caring for any reason is unacceptable. I want to be able to talk freely with serial killers, rapists, drug dealers, scammy mechanics, mericiless police officers who don't practice what they say, dull and boring people, and the average Joe/Jane without caring about who they are or what they've done. I still think that what they do is wrong and don't want to receive unreasonable tickets, overpriced repairs, boring moments, and risk my life, but even if I do, it really doesn't matter all that much. In the end, I'd rather lose my life hoping I could be something to someone else than trying to be "fair" about it all. The best stories are rarely the ones with revenge in the end. It's usually when a husband does not yell at his cheating wife or hate her for it, but when he overlooks it as a part of the human syndrome. It's when a mother can look her daughter's murder in the eyes and forgive them and somehow, not be bitter about it. Forgiveness, love, kindness, and generosity with as little motive as possible will get people a lot further than anything else. Love is the only substantiative thing I know.

Thinking about it some more, life as it is, is probably just what you let it be. But, I will not accept what my ex said, basically that life doesn't need to be fixed at all. I'm sorry, but life is messed up and needs to be fixed. Just if you live it like it's not worth having and as something that is only broken, that's all it will ever be. I hope I can find a way to make what I have: my parents, my really, really good friend, my car, my bass, my computers, my abilities, and my inspiration into something I'm happy with. I'll try to fix this world when I can and maybe, just maybe, I can enjoy it too. I have no god, I have no job, I have no romance, but contentness is just a difficult perspective away.

And there you have it, I don't think the answer to life is the number forty-two. I believe it's some sort of difficult mix of logic, design, and purpose,  but most of all, based on love.

Thanks for reading,
Teran McKinney

I feel fat...

 
Anyways, though, I wanted to do a quick blog post about internet humour. It seems that there is this new-ish genre of comics going around. It's overly dramatic, gorey, and meme-filled. I know of two good sites that show it: The Oatmeal, and Hyperbole and a Half.

I found The Oatmeal first. It's a bit more famous as far as I know. It's very, very polished, but not updated as much as you would ever be satisified. They have things like ptereodactyl bear crossbreeds, web designs from hell (*cough*, Frontpage, *cough*), and pig vs human orgasm duration comparisions. It's written by an ex-web designer, so the page looks great.

Hyperbole and a Half is maybe a touch more story based. It's written by probably one of the geekiest and most impressive female geeks ever. She defies the stereotypes that women are both less humorous, and don't laugh at gore. She doesn't just laugh at the gore, she plasters it everwhere (well, once in a few comics, but it's still awesome). Some of the best stories are about her drunk adventures sleeping on a urine soaked mattress behind a meth lab, fighting with spiders, and about how a fish "almost destroyed her childhood".

I tried to create my own comic in the Gimp. Let me know what you think, if you can make it to the end.



And that's all until the next post.

Thanks for reading,
Teran
 

I recently started talking to someone that I met on Omegle. I won't go into the details, but I just read the blog she had made. She didn't go blaring on about CTimeTracker, Zenserver, Icadyptes, or even IPv6. She just wrote about life and I found it inspiring.

For once in the past ages, I figured it'd be nice to make a post that simply has my thoughts with no real relation to computers or anything. I guess my previous one was on relationships, but this is more in the random, unrelated to much at all degree.

And so, here I begin my journey to write an interesting blog post, compressing my thoughts into some mildly tangible form for you to read. It'll probably be horrible, but I'm not sure if I want to start on that note. You may want to take some psychedelic drugs to warp these words into something more interesting.

Well, the first thought that comes to my mind is how much I love my new Vaio Y-series laptop's keyboard. That brings me to thinking about how the speed of typing affects the rythmn and sound of the typing itself. I bet that you could detect how inspired someone is to write, whether it's school/work, something they are interested about, or something emotional, or if they are just mashing keys in some game -- all from the sound alone using some sort of algorithm. Somehow, just somehow, I managed to tie computing back in to this post. Blah. I guess it shows you what I think about.

I just looked over my new desk (which is a plastic table in my sleeping bedroom since the downstairs one was cleared out for moving) and started thinking about more technical things. Seriosuly, I have a Kill-A-Watt electrical meter, 2 alkaline AA's, a recharable NI-MH AA battery, a beast of a laster printer, some weird crystal rock thing, a hotswap SATA bay, and a Welter Portasol butane soldering iron. God, what is wrong with my life? Aren't I supposed to have magazines, music CDs (or an iPod, or something), college applications, some sort of decoration, or something else on my desk? I feel like a machine.

Anyways, I did manage to track down some reasonable thoughts. With the move we have this new dilemma of what to do with this beautiful (potted) hibiscus plant. It came with the house and is probably 25 years old. It blooms with single and/or double layered flowers and looks amazing. I was urging my mom to take it in the CR-V for when we drive over to San Antonio, but she believes it's too awkward and won't fit well. I agree with her, it is a big plant, but I just feel bad about leaving everything behind. It's like I'm not taking a single thing of this house and past 3~ years in it with me. Perhaps somehow this poor plant can keep life from starting all over again, and give me some sort of transition. My memories here are mixed and possibly best not fully remembered, but that plant is simply awesome. I guess we'll see what happens with the hibiscus plant.

I think writing this post had made me realize how hard it is to subdue my thoughts beyond something technical in nature while trying to come up with something on the spot. I guess I'm not inspired on any one topic, just somehow inspired to write. It appears to be taking its toll in the horridness of this post.

With the common notion that all good bands have weird names, I pieced together a new name. "The Blue Screws" sounds like a band, and while it may be, my ignorance keeps it as a fragment of my mind pretaining to a name that I originally made up. I have not bothered to google for it and see what I find. I'll just live in the luxury of knowing that it popped into my head and -might- be available for some bands in the future. Or maybe I should use it in a band of my own, I don't know. It sounds a bit dull to me, but it seriously beats a few mainstream band's names.

And for my final rant, it really bothers me when so many people call any BMW 3 series an M3 when it's not. An M3 is -not- a normal 3 series. If it's an E30 era M3, it's worth about $16k USD at least. It's this super-sporty 3-series with almost all original body panels and a totally different engine. It has a big wing, too. Here's a picture for reference. If it's not an M3, it's not as much the supposedly super-amazing naturally aspirated 4 cylinder RWD piece of elegance on serioids, it's just a 3-series (picture here) that hasn't been tuned to death for racing ability. I just keep seeing people with "M3"s for sale, when it's really a basic 3 series. It's like saying "I have one of the best cars of all time for sale for a fraction of what it's really worth. It isn't really an M3, but I'm calling it one out of ignorance anyways." That bothers me for some reason. Anyways though, a normal 3-series should still be a heck of a good car. The M3 though just sounds like some dream car that almost can't be beat.

This concludes the end of my thought dump. It was pointless, didn't flow, makes me sound dumb, proves my excessive geekiness, and yet somehow, I feel glad that I wrote it. Maybe it makes me a bit more human and less of a convulsive machine. But for that matter, I'm on the internet. I'm a dog for all you know... maybe even your dog. Enough of that though and the delayed good byes, I'm truly going now.

Or am I?

Now I'm just being mean. You know how badly you want this to be over. Your bleeding eyes and presenting a horror film of desolate, lifeless text and it's all sugar coated in red. Or perhaps, you are a nice, patient reader who actually doesn't mind. I guess we will see.

The end.

--Teran