Go Beyond

At the moment, I'm not quite sure of what I should do with my life. I'm not sure what my inspiration is, even though I know what my interests are. I realize how futile my existance is when something as subtle as my car sounding horrible (my own stupidity induced muffler and exhaust killing) completely throws off my mood. It's just a car, though at the same time, "just" is rather lacking. It's my means of transporation, one of my greatest sources of entertainment, it's simply special to me, and it's my greatest asset. I do not trust hardly any car mechanic shops. They seem to have "scam" written all over them. How much of America's economy is based on simple scams, lies, and wasted time? 30%? Of course, if that was taken away we'd have a whole other issue, but still. It's a lot less honest and useful than it could be.

Is life what I should fix? Why do I feel so lacking in life? Maybe I just need to reflect on what I do have. I have a really, really good friend, and a noisy car that I can whip around corners and grin as it oversteers and I try to fight it back into a straight line so I don't kill myself with it. At the same time, I sound like a ricer in a rather slow car, looking like an idiot skidding around the place. Also, my really, really good friend is the only person I really want to date. Will I ever get the chance? Probably not. But.. a really, really good friend is a lot more than most people have. Somehow I find the ability to never be satisified. Not out of greed, but it's like nothing is ever satisfactory for me.

Maybe I should let my insatisfaction drive me into fixing things. The world is honestly stupid. It's unfair (though too justice oriented), insecure, dishonest, and has very little of anything that feels real in it. The cars are no longer real, most people are idiots (and by publicly saying this on a blog, it's possible that I'm referring to you. For that, I am sorry), we're being poisoned by millions of needless, non-economically beneficial means, and it's even a pain trying to get my hands on raw milk (well, not so bad here in Texas, but still, in general in the US it's a pain).

The "fix" this world needs (and is quite debatable as whether a "fix" is needed) is not technical, though. I could probably improve global efficency exponentially given the chance, but that won't make people happy. Frustrations of mere technicalities are just frustrations. We'll have them anyways, although honestly it can seem pretty disheartening when every single thing seems to give the people I know trouble. From cars, to computers, to auto mechanics, to job hunting. But... as corny, illogical, and mindless as it seems, I think what people really need is love in all forms. We don't need "Christians" who will help others really just because they are hoping for a conversion, until they find out that they are pro-choice. Then they leave disgusted, feeling they are the scum of the earth in their hearts. And others, once you wrong once they will never respect you again. People (including myself) are too obsessed with being "fair" about everything. Once someone has been unfair to them to a certain extent, they just lose it with them. Now, there is a point when you simply have to distance yourself from someone, but withholding some form of love and caring for any reason is unacceptable. I want to be able to talk freely with serial killers, rapists, drug dealers, scammy mechanics, mericiless police officers who don't practice what they say, dull and boring people, and the average Joe/Jane without caring about who they are or what they've done. I still think that what they do is wrong and don't want to receive unreasonable tickets, overpriced repairs, boring moments, and risk my life, but even if I do, it really doesn't matter all that much. In the end, I'd rather lose my life hoping I could be something to someone else than trying to be "fair" about it all. The best stories are rarely the ones with revenge in the end. It's usually when a husband does not yell at his cheating wife or hate her for it, but when he overlooks it as a part of the human syndrome. It's when a mother can look her daughter's murder in the eyes and forgive them and somehow, not be bitter about it. Forgiveness, love, kindness, and generosity with as little motive as possible will get people a lot further than anything else. Love is the only substantiative thing I know.

Thinking about it some more, life as it is, is probably just what you let it be. But, I will not accept what my ex said, basically that life doesn't need to be fixed at all. I'm sorry, but life is messed up and needs to be fixed. Just if you live it like it's not worth having and as something that is only broken, that's all it will ever be. I hope I can find a way to make what I have: my parents, my really, really good friend, my car, my bass, my computers, my abilities, and my inspiration into something I'm happy with. I'll try to fix this world when I can and maybe, just maybe, I can enjoy it too. I have no god, I have no job, I have no romance, but contentness is just a difficult perspective away.

And there you have it, I don't think the answer to life is the number forty-two. I believe it's some sort of difficult mix of logic, design, and purpose,  but most of all, based on love.

Thanks for reading,
Teran McKinney