The sun falls gently over the water, cascading through the ocean's waves. A bearded man sits in his leather chair, whiskey in hand. Phone in the other, he swipes his thumb. "Darling, should I buy the dark leather fedora or the canvas, fair-trade fedora?"
You look at him with an intrigued but unsurprised look. "Dear, if a fedora will make you happy, just buy it. Leather, canvas, whatever. But don't you see the beautiful sunset?" He continues to stare into the intricate images on the phone. "Yes, darling, but I need a fedora for our Valentine's date, remember?"
The light changes between you and the sunset. You look over to the east on the balcony and start to stutter. A huge mushroom cloud forms, billowing out and growing. Starting far away, looking closer as it grows. "Dear...."
"What is it?", he says. "Dear!"
"Excuse me, I'm trying to concentrate!"
You give up for a moment. Starting to feel nervous over what looms opposite the sun. Finally, he looks over. "OH MY GOD, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SOMETHING!!", and he runs downstairs.
You try to calm your inner panic and start to head towards him. Again, he's on his phone. "911, is this an emergency?" "YES! There's been an explosion. I need you to keep me safe!" "Hold on, sir. Did you make this explosion?" "No! it's in the East! Look to your right! I'm scared, don't you get it? I need you to protect me!" "Sir, there's no reason to raise your voice... Hang on just one moment."
It sounds like you're in a pickle. Nuclear bomb in the East, a bunch of water to the West. And a helpless, but occasionally fashionable hipster boyfriend.
The good news is, this doesn't have to be you. San Francisco is now offering a rare opportunity for a date with a non-hipster man in San Francisco! We hear that he dislikes phones and fedoras, and will happily watch a mushroom cloud form with you. I mean, a sunset on the horizon.
Should a mushroom cloud appear, this man has no immediate plan of action. But, I assure you, he will respond decently well, perhaps adequately, as he is calm, generally handles stress well, and if well fed, can balance a two-wheeled vehicle to ride off with you south or north in the event of a nuclear attack. If something goes wrong, he can probably fix the vehicle. Or if before this event your faucet starts leaking, he can probably fix it, too.
And if, say, after this event and the apocalypse afterwards, he could probably piece together some kind of new internet. Of course, that would be a real debate for him as to whether he should, but, he could. This also means that he holds a good technology job presently and can afford the privilege, if you give him the honor, of paying for dinners and the occasional rose.
While the picture of the man in the picture is mostly accurate, he usually comes shaven and on a different motorcycle than pictured. He can also operate a bicycle, three-pedaled car, or bipedal legs in a variety of speeds.
Book your non-hipster experience, today!