I was talking to an old friend of mine tonight and reminded of how I used to be. People think I'm weird now, but it doesn't hold a candle to how I was when I was 19/20 or so. As I write this, I'm 27.
For that and a few other reasons, I'm wondering about who I am, how I've changed, and if it's all been better. If I look back at the time when I felt the most like myself and now, I feel that I'm more serious now, more jaded, and less happy. I still like making people laugh but I feel like that goes on the backburner with how bleak my outlook is.
Back in the early days of adult Teran, I had a few quirks.
My first apartment
I kept the dishes in the oven. I didn't want the particle board cabinents to dust off on them.
I removed the elements from the stove and used an induction cooktop, only cooking with stainless steel.
I washed everything with baking soda. My hands, my body, my hair, my dishes, and my teeth.
I built a table bed out of 2x10's. I had my axe for a pillow. My girlfriend at the time literally thought I was likely a serial killer (still a friend to this day, the friend I mentioned earlier).
I ate mashed potatoes and roast beef every day at work. I would graze out of a casserole dish. I lost weight, too, not that I needed to back then.
I refused to use the A/C during a San Antonio summer. I would put on a t-shirt, jump in the shower, then go to bed, usually with the ceiling fan on.
I had no cell phone for much of it. I stuck my cell phones to some boards with a nail gun.
While a lot of these ideas were pretty stupid and it's probably good I've moved on from them, I'm just not sure it's all been good. I hate my smartphone now and absolutely want to get rid of it. I also think I was happy because I was working and around people. I didn't feel so alone because I wasn't.
The vicious cycle is that the more you're alone, the more downtrodden you get, and the less likely people are to want to get to know you.
I have to wonder. Is the Teran of today cynical, pessimistic, and negative? Is the Teran of today a smartphone user sheeple? I guess I am. I'm not sure it's who I want to be.
I used to write these silly dating ads, like Multi-function Alarm Clock. I liked making people laugh. Or something more like a suspenseful short story. Now, I feel like I need to put up a bunch of disclaimers to not hurt anyone or get hurt myself. Maybe it's starting with the wrong foot forward.
I do feel like people respond best to you when you're yourself. I can attest to this in the oddest of times. When I was my weirdest or doing something completely out there, I connected more with people. Friendships or dating interests. Now, I have so little of that.
I don't have any particular conclusions to offer at the moment. Hopefully in time I can strike a balance and find what I do best. I think I'm not nearly as light-hearted as I was and that may not be a good thing. I'm starting to become one of those soulless drones, angry about life and forgetting to smell the roses. When really, I should be writing corny ads that remind people there's more than politics and turmoil in the world. Maybe I have been becoming part of the problem.
Thanks for reading.