Go Beyond

Only read if you don't mind being offended.

Jewelry is not enough

Some men will buy you flowers, some men will buy you drinks, and some men will buy you jewelry. Rich men will buy you cars and poor men will make due with what they have, but do any of those things really interest you?

After several unsuccessful dates, I realized my failure and the failure of many men like myself. You see, women have an innate interest that cannot be met by the traditional gifts and values of today. Sure, communication, honesty, and putting a partner's interests before one's self are all great, but there is always a missing piece if that's all you have.

Women long for many things. They desire a sense of security, beauty, and to know that they will be wanted with a deep passion, forever.

There is only one way for a woman to truly attain such a state in life. Her man needs to give her a walrus.

Why a walrus? The concept seems rather silly at first, but consider this. For all of the times that you wake up with hair on the left side of your head somehow on the right side, with bad breath, and puffy eyelids, it may not be enough to have your attractive boyfriend tell you that you're beautiful. The mirror makes you feel otherwise, and his handsome looks (if he were someone quite like myself) certainly don't help.

The walrus is the one creature you can look at with greasy hair and no makeup on, yet still feel sorry for. If you manage to look at it without squinting, you must surely realize how pretty you are in comparison. In addition, the walrus is a mighty beast. Weighing up to 3,700lbs, they are sure to fend off robbers and guys you would rather avoid. No need to carry mace around when you're riding a giant arctic beast with tusks large enough to impale several men at once. And if somehow you're stranded with only your walrus, you can kill the walrus and live off of it for years, provided the flesh is kept cold enough not to rot excessively.

But most of all, capturing a walrus is an incredible feat. A man capable of subduing such a large creature and hardy enough to bring it back from thousands of miles away is surely dedicated. He's probably been impaled several times, frostbitten severely, and questioned his own sanity more than once. A man brave enough to procure such a creature, just as a token of love, must surely be a man worth having.

I may not be perfect, but I am in fact such a man. Could I take you out to dinner?

Human applicants should reply with a subject containing the word "walrus". My eyes are case insensitive, so "Walrus" and such are also permitted.