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Thoughts on a relationship

I'm not sure if love is obscenely complex or obscenely simple.

I am trying to come to terms with deeply loving a woman who I haven't been able to have a healthy relationship with. Again and again we try, with the same results. I've never cried so much in my life. Probably more than the past four months than the previous half of my life.

This woman is beautiful and incredibly intelligent. More than a man could ever reasonably expect. Yet the relationship always turns toxic. I cannot say enough good about this woman's potential. With more confidence she could easily be a model or a neuroscientist. I wish things could work, but in all probability they can't and won't. I've never felt so connected to someone and yet so hurt at the same time.

I know deep down she doesn't mean any ill and she knows the same of me. When we both break down and are emotional towards eachother, the truth comes out, but usually only then. Maybe 30% of the relationship in a time sense is great, 30% is quite bad, 30% is acceptable, 5% is horrible and the last 5% is incredibly connected.

I've determined that I either need to marry her and fight to make things work the rest of our lives, or move on. Relationships are not meant to be easy. They are hard work. This hard, I doubt. But fluffy feelings only last so long. Dedication and decision is the only thing that can make it last a lifetime.

Sadly, I think I disagree with the "love alone is enough" mantra. We both love eachother. Maybe it's better to have a healthy relationship with someone you love little than a toxic one with someone you love deeply. I'm not certain.

Mark Manson describes toxic vs healthy relationships with quite an interesting angle. It's in the Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck, one of my favorite books of all time.

This may seem as a ramble. I have little specific advice to give at the moment. I think sometimes people only write about their triumphs which sets the reader's inner expectation that they must always be successful to be happy or even worthwhile. This is untrue. People write perhaps the most in the extremes of happiness and sadness. They share the happy posts, and hide the sad ones. My life is good, but full of ups and downs. I am grateful for my life and the incredible people I've met along the way.

Until next time,

Teran